I am a hugger. It has not always been so, but especially since COVID I am acutely aware of the healing power of someone wrapping their arms around me and giving me an affectionate squeeze. There are words in the gesture that do not need to be spoken: I understand. I am sorry. I feel your pain. I am glad to be with you. I have missed you. And perhaps the best one for any caregiver – YOU MATTER!
The power of a simple hug … “a hug can lift spirits, reduce stress, and remind us that we are not alone” says advocate Kevin Zaborney. This University of Michigan graduate earned his Master of Divinity degree from Boston University and now lives with his family in Caro, Michigan. He does public speaking engagements, often at school assemblies, and media interviews. On his website he sells books entitled The Twenty Second Love Hug and The Hug Store: A Children’s Book about Compassion, Empathy, and Self-Reliance. For this gentleman, creating a worldwide observance of hugging is a way to educate on the benefits of this kind of tactile touch to improve one’s physical, emotional, and spiritual wellbeing.
Two thoughts come to mind when conveying the importance of a hug once you become a caregiver. The first is the lack of physical touch experienced as someone we care about progresses into a serious illness. Not only does your loved one lose a great deal of their ability to show affection or supportive concern, but as both care recipient and caregiver become more isolated from friends and family there is less opportunity to express regard for another person with a simple hug. Human touch of all kinds becomes much less available to all of us. When we ask for information about their situation from new caregivers in our church’s support ministries, the very last item on the list of things they might need is “I need a hug.” A very high majority of our caregivers check that box!
A second thing I learned not too long ago on my own caregiver journey, is that while it doesn’t sometimes appear to matter, our loved ones need those hugs of reassurance and warmth – even when they cannot return them. Arranging for an out-of-town trip to participate in an important family event, when I returned home it did not appear my loved one even cared that I was gone for 4 days. Imagine my surprise when he shared later that he had sorely missed my hugs! I had never considered the assurances he took from those hugs … that his important safety net was somehow cemented in by nothing more than a consistent and warm hug.
Zaborney is quick to express that not all people – especially those you might not know well – like to be hugged. He suggests that you always ask before giving another human being a hug. While I like the suggestion and understand this concern, I honestly sometimes forget to do so. In my work with other caregivers, I go for the hug every time I can. It is as much a need for me as it is meant as a potential comfort for them. I need them to know that I get it. I see their situation and understand their pain. Their circumstances matter. They matter. So, for those who might be put off by that hug, I apologize. But please know that in our caregiver ministries, we get it. We care. We see you!
The National Institutes of Health (NIH) have studied this specifically and proven scientifically that hugging reduces stress – measured by cortisol levels in the blood and saliva – independent of the relationship between the huggers. We all need tactile touch from our very infancy, but as adults it can be hard to find. That is the beauty of community – another thing caregivers can do for one another. Let’s not move away from connection … let’s embrace it!
UP FOR DISCUSSION: Could you use a hug? Do you hug other people – friends, family, neighbors? How have hugs become part of your care routine? Should they? Please feel free to share your thoughts.
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