UP FOR DISCUSSION: We have all heard the sad statistics that a high percentage of caregivers will succumb to a personal health issue before the loved one they are caring for. It is a reality that becomes more obvious the longer you walk this caregiver journey. The ultimate result is that our care recipients lose their lifeline … as the person who has cared for them can no longer do the job they have been called upon to do. What can be done to keep this outcome from continuing to happen?

     Do you know a caregiver who is fighting their own health issues?  Have they had a recent hospitalization, a stint in rehab, or perhaps have taken a pass on a needed procedure because they are not strong enough or feel otherwise unable to endure the intervention?  Have you witnessed the level of crisis that ensues as worry about a myriad of issues surface with the absence of a rested and resourceful caregiver?  Perhaps you have personally walked with someone who has ignored all their own medical symptoms because of their inability to focus beyond the wellbeing of their loved ones. 

     The word I hear often is “abandon” … ‘I cannot abandon my responsibilities to care for … my spouse, my parent, my child, my sibling, my friend, my neighbor’ – fill in the blank.  And as things progress, for both, the situation goes from bad to worse.  No amount of encouragement or support seems to help – there is a feeling that this train is leaving the tracks and there is nothing you can do to stop in.  What can be said to encourage the caregiver to at last see the truth about their situation and finally be willing to accept and seek help?

     Here are some thoughts that might assist us to at least better understand the human condition that makes some of us reluctant to admit to our shortcomings, our weaknesses, our vulnerabilities.  And while there might be logical arguments to highlight the fallibility in most of these beliefs, none are likely to resonate for long to someone who is already in crisis.  My experience is that caregivers needing a conversation about asking for help have already been debating the issue with themselves for a while and are often in need of defending their position – not changing it!

     A family caregiver usually takes their job very seriously and already understands there is no one who can do the job better.  In the name of love and loyalty, our commitment to our loved one somehow translates into the caregiver being the only one capable of doing the work.  We understand our loved ones.  We do not wish him or her to be put at risk by the care of strangers.  No one will ever care as well as we can for them.  They will somehow suffer irreparable harm if I am not there … I cannot ask them.  What results, often, is an entire dismissal of the caregiver’s own wellbeing. 

     A second comment I hear often is that we cannot afford additional care.  Somehow whatever nest egg that exists must be preserved for others … children, those personal plans that are still relevant, or for ‘our old age’.  Imagine that?  We have saved all our lives for an easier retirement only to find we have never been in greater need of help and relief from the challenges of aging and illness.  Yet many caregivers are reluctant to give up on a previous dream that clearly did not include current reality.  Their conclusion:  the cost of sharing the care with others is expensive … my time and efforts cost us far less.

     As we lay it all out it seems easy to spot the flaws in the logic.  For if our situations were reversed, we would gladly sacrifice something for the wellbeing of a valued family member.  Certainly, preserving the health and wellbeing of another is something any one of us might rally around without hesitation.  But when put into the caregiver’s context, it is not easily understood until both care recipient and caregiver are in crisis.  Sadly, often by then it is too late.

     Are you a caregiver also dealing with your own chronic illness?  Do you know a caregiver who is struggling?  Might a call to a family member or friend be in order, for no other reason than to begin a dialog of possible solutions or next steps?  Watching the train come off the tracks is often as painful as viewing the subsequent wreckage of the derailment.  Reach out.  Risk rejection.  Express your concerns.  You might just be saving a life!       

UP FOR DISCUSSION: Are you struggling to be a caregiver or thought about how to go about getting some help?  Do you have resources available that you have not yet considered to help you?  Might it be time to make a few calls? Please share your thoughts below.