I met with two friends this past week who are further along the pathway of their caregiver journey, and I learned so much from each of them. One has just said her final goodbye to her beloved husband while the other is about eight months into rebuilding her own life after the loss of her cherished mother. Both are grieving – deeply – their losses, but it was the wonder and gratitude that I was struck by. It goes beyond just remembering but rather involves the ability to relive life in different times. I walked away from both conversations with the certainty that it will be the gratitude that carries me through the worst of my grieving. I feel they have, quite literally, tangible proof of why the devastating grief they feel is somehow eased by what was.
One of the deep fears I have had for some time now is that by the time my caregiver journey is completed, I will no longer be able to remember the “good times”. I will somehow forget who my loved one was, all he represented to me and to others, and I won’t be able to recall the reasons for my deep love and respect for him. My fear is that I will only remember the bad. I know now that is not ever going to be the case, and that brings with it such comfort and relief.
As I visited with one friend, she was still in the midst of her long goodbye. She mentioned to me that a relative had sent a video of her husband before he had fallen ill, and it brought tears as she saw him whole and witnessed anew all that he represented to her and to others. What a blessing to have that video to look back upon now. Not only the memory of better days, but the clear images and sounds of her husband that no doubt she will watch over and over as she tries to begin to heal.
My second friend had a video also, and she even shared it with me. It was of her mom during her very last days reading the children’s book Dancing Cancer to her adult grandchildren. Her mom had written the book years earlier after her third bout with cancer to ease the fear and despair that young children experience when seeing a loved one suffer. Nana was not only re-telling her story but was singing along with these two young adults who obviously adore her that “Jesus Loves Me”. As I fought back my own tears, I realized what a lasting memory and legacy to leave behind for anyone. The love and connection in that moment is something everyone who sees it will always remember. How can we not have such gratitude for that kind of love and a better understanding that the grief we feel is clearly from the heart-felt loss of that kind of connection.
I learned a lot from these two people. Gather all those memories as best you can. Get old pictures digitized. Put pictures in easy-to-reach photobooks. Collect those old videos and put them where you can find them. Record and photograph your loved ones even now. Celebrate all that you remember and still have. For the day will come when you may need to call on those moments and memories to deal with the sadness.
On my husband’s eightieth birthday, I reached out to family and friends asking them to record a short message. A videographer pulled the messages together with superimposed pictures of many of them and overlaid some of his favorite songs. The resulting 20-minute video was meant to be a gift to him. What I now understand is that it was a wonderful gift to me as I revisit it often. I feel such gratitude as I am reminded what he has meant to so many people over the years, and I marvel at how lucky I feel that I even met him. He became such an integral part of my life, and I thank God every day that he is still with me. When that is no longer the case, I know that I will continue to thank God that he was here at all. Somehow, I believe that gratitude will ease my grief for they do co-exist, and you really can’t have one without the other.
UP FOR DISCUSSION: What about you? Are you grieving some loss? Do you experience gratitude for anything related to that loss? Does it in any way help? Please feel free to share your opinions, thoughts and experiences with us!
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