UP FOR DISCUSSION: There are times when every caregiver needs to step back, look at their situation, and grant themselves permission to mess up. It can be a little thing like not anticipating some behavior that results in a mess to be cleaned up, or a bigger one where you completely forget something that becomes a problem. Or anything in between, really, but clearly an event that makes you feel like you have failed. That is where grace comes in … caregivers are not perfect human beings who will never make a mistake. That is okay!
If you are challenged by a lot of change right now, I have a recommendation … instead of reacting with stress, anger, frustration, or the many other emotions that sheer exhaustion can bring on…
UP FOR DISCUSSION: Things have a way of changing quickly, and all caregivers gain experience over time when needing to move to a new normal. But in the middle of a new crisis, keeping this all in perspective is impossible. Any sense of calm and control can totally disappear. The unexpected stress can be soul crushing, and finding hope and direction when everything is falling apart takes time. What can a friend or family offer when someone you care about is suddenly carrying such a heavy load?
It has been that kind of a week. It seems like on every front there is more bad news. Challenging situations. Times when I wonder how we muster any hope and find the right things to pray for…
UP FOR DISCUSSION: As a caregiver, have you found your kindred spirits yet? Those other caregivers who seem to instantly understand what you are feeling before you can finish your sentence … those who not only can relate to the problem at hand but are encouraging in their understanding that none of us are alone and we need to stand together to get through this challenging journey we are on? If no one comes to mind, I encourage you to seek out these people … you will find they are everywhere!
I have added another caregiver to my team of supporters – many of whom I have not even met! She is a kindred spirit not just because she understands the trials of taking care of a progressively…
UP FOR DISCUSSION: Are you finding yourself running short on energy lately? Somehow there just aren’t enough hours in the day, or worse – at some point all you can do is sit unproductively replaying all that has gone wrong during the day. Escaping from reality, I have learned, does very little to help me in this situation. When I return to it, I am never more energized … just behind schedule in addressing the workload. What is the secret to feeling more energized when it comes to caregiving?
It is that time of year again. Baseball is winding down, and playoff qualifiers are coming into sharp focus. Football – both college and professional – is ramping up. Virtually every media ou…
UP FOR DISCUSSION: As I sat yesterday morning planning another busy day of errands, chores, and checklists … all I really wanted to do was daydream, meditate, ease into the day and enjoy my coffee. It was not in the cards, and as I worked my way through the day, I kept thinking about gratitude and peace. Grateful and happy to be productively removing backlog from my list … but oh, to step away from any list just for an hour or two of peace. Are these two things even remotely possible at the same time?
I suppose we all go through times when we realize the multitude of things that need our attention far exceed our time and energy to get them all done. Especially in timeframes that are often im…
UP FOR DISCUSSION: Much has been written about the opportunity we all have to experience joy even in the face of great human suffering. From the Bible to Einstein, this has been an observation shared repeatedly. Yet many caregivers struggle to find joy. What might we have missed in understanding this wisdom – that dwelling on one without taking the other into account does not make it any less possible. Are we missing these moments of joy in our daily routine?
In the past couple of weeks, I have been thinking a lot about joy and wonder at the many ways I see and hear about it when talking to fellow caregivers. Joy seems to be everywhere yet often it…
UP FOR DISCUSSION: Caregivers often talk about ultimately moving to a different focus for their loved ones living with life-altering illnesses – one where the only priority is a better quality of life. Usually that means that most of the poking and prodding goes away, and palliative versus preventative care becomes primary. Is there a specific environment that signals this shift in focus that best enables a safe and supportive place for our loved ones to find calm and perhaps even a little joy?
In a recent support group meeting, our conversation turned to the environment we find ourselves in and whether the surroundings of our loved one can make a difference in their ability to find sa…
UP FOR DISCUSSION: I have been spending a lot of time recently learning more about neuroplasticity, our brain’s ability to reorganize the way it works and to form new neural pathways to better send signals throughout our body. The scientific concepts around neuroplasticity vary, but there seems to be little debate that we all can rewire things given the need and under the right circumstances. I wonder how understanding it better might give caregivers who are dealing with loved ones living with a neurological disorder more hope.
Over the past couple of years, we have seen a remarkable improvement in my loved one’s struggle with some of the limitations he suffered with the onset of dementia almost nine years ago. I am…
UP FOR DISCUSSION: Does this happen to you? After years as a caregiver, I still have strong reactions to behaviors or comments made by my loved one that triggers something negative in me. How can I still get so angry about insignificant things that are inconsequential to the bigger challenges we face? Is it because I am still trying to apply logic where only emotion, understanding, and compassion should be?
It happened again recently, and I still am surprised how often it does. Discussing any topic really, my loved one says something that triggers anger and instead of pausing, I react immediately…
UP FOR DISCUSSION: On some days it is just tough to find sunshine and joy anywhere. Bad news seems to surround us, the weather is crummy, and there are just days when not one good thing can be recalled as they end. Even those folks with the sunniest of dispositions have periods of grey that interrupt their otherwise bright and optimistic outlook. I think that is human nature, but is it exactly at this time we should be reaching out to others? Can we be the sunshine for another … especially when we know that sunshine is sorely needed?
We all know someone like this – they just seem to radiate joy and light. Their very presence brightens up a room, and even in casual conversation they generate warmth and comfort that feels lik…
UP FOR DISCUSSION: As caregivers, we talk a lot about living our lives just one day at a time. We do so because of all the uncertainty caring for a chronically ill loved one can bring. No one can tell us for sure what the future holds, but in caregiving there often are sudden changes. But does this coping strategy mean that we give up making any plans for our future or dreaming about adventures that we have had to temporarily leave behind? Why is one day at a time helpful at all?
I have found I do a lot better when I am only worried about today. As a lifelong planner and one who for years kidded myself into thinking I really had control over my life, this one-day-at-a-t…
UP FOR DISCUSSION: A brief article in this weekend’s Health section of the local newspaper endeavored to explain the differences between Alzheimer’s Disease and dementia. While the article stresses the importance of knowing the difference, and the broader implications of understanding any dementia diagnosis, why do we still have way too many doctors who want to explain away cognitive issues as Alzheimer’s based on findings from only a few routine tests? Worse, how can that kind of conclusion be reached without patient education to accompany it?
I have the privilege of walking with many people who care for a family member or friend who has been diagnosed with some form of dementia. Many have taken their loved one through months of test…
UP FOR DISCUSSION: Most caregivers do not have the time or energy to think much about the future. We mostly deal with the realities of today, and our occasional thoughts for the future might be to wonder how things will all turn out. I saw a quote recently that resonated … “if it’s yours, it will find you.” Is there comfort in believing there is a grand plan? Does it change anything if we can believe that what is meant to be will happen in its own time?
I often think to myself, ‘have faith … everything will be okay … you’ve made it this far and you will see this thing through!’ It helps that I am surrounded by a faith community who support and…
UP FOR DISCUSSION: Few caregivers think about boundaries much when dealing with a loved one who needs them, yet setting some specific boundaries might be exactly what is needed to ensure our own health and wellbeing. Is there a way to do so where everyone involved gets what is required?
Most caregivers have experienced this at some point along their caregiver journey, but when it happens too often it can forever change the situation for both the care recipient and the caregiver…
UP FOR DISCUSSION: Every day I hear from caregivers who are faced with the reality of doing something different in their attempt to get better results for their loved ones. Invariably the caregiver is trying to wrap their mind around what the next step in their journey will be and how to accept it and move forward. CHANGE … how do we embrace it and make room for it?
I was reminded again recently that much of the change that happens when you are a caregiver comes from the ability to discern alternatives and define desired outcomes. But it often also require…
UP FOR DISCUSSION: While reading all the scientific and medical journal articles written on the evolution of treating dementia can be a discouraging endeavor, every once in a great while a story appears that gives the dementia caregiver HOPE. This is one such book – without any sound medical explanation, Dementia Denied tells the story of one person who believes she has beaten the disease.
I have read quite literally hundreds of books and articles over the past six years on the topic of dementia. I have googled thousands of medical terms, separated what I felt were reliable sourc…
UP FOR DISCUSSION: Rarely does a documentary come along that tells both a myriad of personal stories and at the same time paints a historic picture of just how we got here as a country. Caregiving, a PBS film created by actor Bradley Cooper, does just that in this amazing story about the care culture that has existed in the United States for decades. It needs wide circulation … especially among those Americans who have yet to be on their own caregiver journey!
I recently took two hours out of a busy schedule to watch an educational piece that since seeing it has been forwarded to almost every one of my contacts. Family members, friends, acquaintances…
UP FOR DISCUSSION: Where do important strangers in our lives come from? You know, those folks who seem to appear out of nowhere just when we need them. Some stay for quite a while, others may just be passing through our lives in a hurry, but somehow, we are not quite the same as we were before they arrived. Is it serendipity, coincidence, fate or something much more significant? Is it just as possible that they are conduits of God’s love and grace?
I have a friend who is a first-year seminary student, and I love the opportunity to talk with her about all the new she is experiencing in her life with this change of direction. Not exactly a…
UP FOR DISCUSSION: Has anyone ever suggested to you “just let nature take its course”? I was reminded recently what solid advice that is, even if we do not like to hear it. Do we introduce chaos and doubt simply because of how we react to the changes at hand? Do our emotions tend to make things worse? And what if we made the conscience decision to just go with whatever prevails?
Our last weekend was one of challenges, changes, and a lot of activity. On Sunday evening, weary, frazzled, and resolved to prepare a simple dinner, out of the corner of my eye I caught a doe l…
UP FOR DISCUSSION: We talk a lot about getting our loved ones into a predictable daily routine as one way to minimize the stresses that come with a progressive illness. We also talk about adjusting to a “new normal” whenever we must settle into a different routine based on changing needs. Finally, we acknowledge that during any caregiver journey this is usually required multiple times along the pathway. But what can be said about doing it well?
A change is underway at our house, and it has taken me a couple of months to recognize that we are struggling to find our “new normal”. While much of the change can be explained by understandin…
UP FOR DISCUSSION: I have never viewed the role of caregiver as being one of leadership, but recent thinking by others has me wondering about it! Does caregiving become easier when we view ourselves as the person in charge? Do we solve problems differently if we view it as our job to do so? Does compassion and resolve better position us to lead when making tough decisions? It is a fascinating concept!
A fellow caregiver I follow on a weekly basis recently questioned whether there isn’t an important link between caregiving and leadership. He referenced author and journalist Maria Shriver’s re…
UP FOR DISCUSSION: There is something beautiful about the interdependence of flowers and bees. Both are critically important to one another, yet this miracle of nature is not given very much thought. I think it might be similar though to the mutuality of caregiving … the shared vulnerability and strength that occurs in every caregiving relationship. That shared experience doesn’t get much recognition, either, but can be such a blessing when we finally see it!
Did you celebrate World Bee Day this week? Me neither, but I did take some time to learn a little bit about it and was struck by the similarities of simple flower and bee relationships and fami…
UP FOR DISCUSSION: Many of you know too well all the challenges that come with caregiving, including the need to keep the home in good working order. On those days when the chore list is long there is a certain temptation to put off the maintenance and upkeep of things – until they can no longer be ignored! Is there a price we pay for a mindset that says: ‘if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it’?
While I accepted long ago that being the primary caregiver for a loved one with a progressive illness includes having a lot of curve balls thrown into the mix, I am still amazed I am not getting…
UP FOR DISCUSSION: Mother’s Day … a time for fresh flowers, long overdue visits, appreciation and loving messages of import, and perhaps a weekend filled with memories of happier times amid a lot of stress! If you are not able to be with your mother/child/family this year, might you still celebrate motherhood for all its beauty and meaning? With a favorite flower, perhaps? Her favorite flower? Or yours!
I suppose it is not a coincidence that National Teacher Appreciation Day and Mother’s Day are close on our calendar, as they both command our respect, love, and appreciation for all they do ever…
UP FOR DISCUSSION: As we welcome yet another new month, I must stop and think about the fact that this year is already one-third of the way gone. I can immediately identify all that is on the to-do list, but today I took some time to also note the small joys of just the past week. There were many … some went without notice until I gave them some intentional thought!
As we turn the calendar to May, I did something this week that I rarely take the time to do … reflect on the week to recall and celebrate all the small joys that have brought a smile, warmed my…
UP FOR DISCUSSION: How does anyone find a sense of peace in a world that seems to be at war with itself? How do we get comfortable with living on a planet that quite literally seems to be on fire? How does any caregiver come to terms with their future without knowing what it might hold? How does anyone feel contentment in the midst of so much uncertainty?
This first week after Easter has been anything but one filled with renewed hope and joy and the promise of an abundant life. There was the loss of a beloved compassionate religious leader who s…
UP FOR DISCUSSION: Holy Week, and at its culmination the good news that “He Is Risen!” But Jesus’ teachings might best be understood by looking at the example set by His behaviors. As caregivers, Holy Week reminds us that what we are doing might be akin to living in His image. I think that gives us all a reason to reflect and understand how important caregiving really is!
It has been a busy Spring, but this week especially for me gave way to a new recognition of how important what I am doing really is to those I love the most. I had the opportunity to watch Henri Nou…